Thursday, June 4, 2009

A Star Wars guide to the Stanley Cup Finals

Nerdiness Levels In This Entry May Be Hazardous To Children And The Elderly.
Do not read if you are pregnant, on medication, or recovering from a WoW addiction.

Galactic Empire = Detroit

A fading empire, ruthless and hopelessly corrupt, concerned only with hoarding power and influence, yet unable to adjust when challenged by smaller, smarter opponents. And that's just GM.

Rebel Alliance = Pittsburgh

All great rebellions begin in the hinterlands, in places so desperate that lonesome farmboys turn to religion and violence as a relief from their boredom. Western Pennsylvania sounds about right.

Princess Leia = Stanley Cup

Ooh, purty! Losta guys are gonna fight over this little lady, and more than a few are going to sneak a kiss before it's all over. Careful boys, she's been for a few skates around the rink already...

Luke Skywalker = Sidney Crosby

The Messiah, the Anointed One, the whiny brat who thinks he's a great leader at age 20.

Darth Vader = Henrik Zetterberg

Don't fuck with this guy. He will own you.

Han Solo = Evgeni Malkin

He might not get all the publicity, but he's the guy you really wanted to be when you grew up. At the end of the day, you can thank this cool cat for blasting Vader's ass and gifting the Golden Child his moment of glory.

Admiral Ackbar = Dan Bylsma

We're never offered a good explanation for putting this guy in such a position of authority. His primary role is to stand by the sidelines and figure out a way to beat the trap.

The Emperor = Mike Babcock

Don't bother adjusting your matchups or changing your strategy. He's already foreseen your moves and countered them in advance. Now he's going to make you watch as he destroys your pitiful band of rebels.

Jabba the Hutt = Gary Bettman

"Soon, you will learn to appreciate me..."

C-3P0 = Pierre McGuire

Go away, nobody likes you.

Mike Milbury = Gamorrean Guard

He doesn't let his lack of intelligence or speaking ability get in the way of his duties. Best not to leave him in charge of anything really important, such as guarding a prisoner or running an NHL franchise.

Bib Fortuna = Mike Emrick

Spends most of his time avoiding criticism of the boss-man. Is anyone else distracted by the shape of his head?

Chewbacca = Hal Gill


Lando Calrissian = Bill Guerin

Bet you forgot this guy was alive, didn't ya? Instead of retiring quietly to obscurity, he's back for one last shot at redemption.

Boba Fett = Marian Hossa

The bounty hunter knows no allegiances.

Obi Wan Kenobi = Mario Lemieux

A legend in his own time, he now gazes from above and offers quiet words of wisdom to his protegee'.

R2-D2 = Chris Osgood

Somehow, you have a faint inkling that the story is really not about the Golden Boy at all, but about this little spare part who always seems to show up at the right moment and save the superstars' asses.

Darth Maul = Johan Franzen

As if the Empire needed this guy on top of everything else they've got going for them. It's not even fair.

The NBC broadcast team interviews Gary Bettman.

Porkins = Eric Godard

You knew as soon as you saw this guy that he wouldn't be around for long.

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Sneps-ish said...


Does this make Therrien
Jar Jar Binks?

Anonymous said...

Good work. Just one quibble. How can Chris Osgood be R2D2 when he plays for the empire?

I'm trying to think of someone to nominate from Pittsburgh that's small, slow, and provides some comic relief. Help?

Justin said...

Max Talbot, obviously.

Kim said...

Obviously the Rebel Alliance was not at the Tatooine moisture farm. I don't know why you picked that picture. Hoth, maybe?
I don't know how I feel about the Z/Vader comparison...I guess they are both pretty bad ass.
That picture of a girl kissing Malkin makes me want to gag.

Go Pens! said...

I followed the link from Yahoo to get to this blog. This is seriously hilarious. I keep texting people and telling them to read this. Well done!

Go Pens!!!

Anonymous said...

This blog is fantastic. They've really captured Babcock's expression. Gotta love the symbolism!


Anonymous said...

This is great.

I'd like to second the motion that R2 ought to be Max Talbot. He's the funny 'spare part' who shows up to save the day whenever Luke and Han find themselves locked in a garbage compactor or something (or when Sid and Geno are unable to put anything in the net or we're down a goal 30 seconds from the end of Game 5... you get the point).

Navin Vaswani (@eyebleaf) said...

Well done.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hysterical! Found the link on the Penguins fan boards. Thanks for sharing! LET'S GO PENS!!

Anonymous said...

That is classic. Combines two of my great loves: The Pens and Star Wars. I vote for Talbot as R2-D2 as well. As Malkin pointed out, they both have no hands.

Anonymous said...

So who's Princess Leia?

Justin said...

Depending on whether you want someone connected to the team or not, the obvious choices as I can tell are Sid's sister Taylor, or the girl known to most only as Carrot. Or maybe Alyonka Larionov, I guess.

Now, I was thinking that Natalia Malkin would be an amusing choice, but I just can't bring myself to go there. :)

Ami Angelwings said...

This is srsly brilliant xD Bravo :D

Anonymous said...

Seriously???? How could anyone other than everyone's favorite equipment manager, Dana Heinze, be Artoo? Little dude prob beeps as he hands out sticks.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and no way Alyonka could be Princess Leia. She hooked up with Ovie.

How about Fedotenko?

Anonymous said...

This is an awesome article but I have one question. Who is Datsyuk? I can't think of any super villains left in the original trilogy adequate to be Datsyuk...

Anonymous said...

Haha lovely

Anonymous said...

So Zetterberg is Crosby's daddy? Makes sense to me.

Classic Devil said...

This blog inspired a thread on HFBoards, complete with some neat photoshop images:

jamestobrien said...

You know, I'm not even a big Star Wars fan but this was brilliant. Great use of photos (best: the Malkin/Solo face sucking side-by-sides) and extremely well written. Great job!

Parksey said...

Awesome, every time I see Pierre McGuire now I think of C-3PO. haha

Unknown said...

Mike said...

I guess that means...

Boston Bruins = Alderaan

The snobby royal pricks who got destroyed early on in the story.

Tom said...

Yeah, but Princess Leia was from Alderaan.

Did you see the women from Tatooine? Yikes.

Mike said...

Leia wasn't "from" Alderaan, her parents were from Naboo and Tatooine. So her heritage, much like the Bruins championship hopes, was just an illusion.

Besides, Anakin Skywalker was from Tatooine, and he got to bone Natalie Portman.

J said...

Good work. Just one quibble. How can Chris Osgood be R2D2 when he plays for the empire?

Well, he DID belong to Anakin at first...

Tom said...

Touche', Mike.

Rome, thanks for closing that loophole! I've always felt that R2 had a little "dark side" to him anyway.

Mike said...

Thanks for being such a good sport Tom. It's all in good fun, after all.

And besides, in all fairness, if this analogy was applied to Major League Baseball, the Pittsburgh team would most likely be Jar Jar Binks...

Anonymous said...

Well it's just a shame the Empire will be taking the princess home with them again this year. Obviously the guy who posted this is a Pittsburgh Fan

J said...

No problem, Tom...but I did realize that another loophole opened up. Did Henrik Zetterberg build Pierre McGuire then?

Justin said...

Anon, did you even read the name of the blog? Sheesh!

Anonymous said...

Your a Jerk

hwsris said...

ha ha ha.

ruam said...

Nice Idea