A Star Wars guide to the Stanley Cup Finals

***WARNING***

Nerdiness Levels In This Entry May Be Hazardous To Children And The Elderly.

Do not read if you are pregnant, on medication, or recovering from a WoW addiction.

Galactic Empire = Detroit

A fading empire, ruthless and hopelessly corrupt, concerned only with hoarding power and influence, yet unable to adjust when challenged by smaller, smarter opponents. And that's just GM.

Rebel Alliance = Pittsburgh

All great rebellions begin in the hinterlands, in places so desperate that lonesome farmboys turn to religion and violence as a relief from their boredom. Western Pennsylvania sounds about right.

Princess Leia = Stanley Cup

Ooh, purty! Losta guys are gonna fight over this little lady, and more than a few are going to sneak a kiss before it's all over. Careful boys, she's been for a few skates around the rink already...

Luke Skywalker = Sidney Crosby

The Messiah, the Anointed One, the whiny brat who thinks he's a great leader at age 20.

Darth Vader = Henrik Zetterberg

Don't fuck with this guy. He will own you.

Han Solo = Evgeni Malkin

He might not get all the publicity, but he's the guy you really wanted to be when you grew up. At the end of the day, you can thank this cool cat for blasting Vader's ass and gifting the Golden Child his moment of glory.

Admiral Ackbar = Dan Bylsma

We're never offered a good explanation for putting this guy in such a position of authority. His primary role is to stand by the sidelines and figure out a way to beat the trap.

The Emperor = Mike Babcock

Don't bother adjusting your matchups or changing your strategy. He's already foreseen your moves and countered them in advance. Now he's going to make you watch as he destroys your pitiful band of rebels.

Jabba the Hutt = Gary Bettman

"Soon, you will learn to appreciate me..."

C-3P0 = Pierre McGuire

Go away, nobody likes you.

Mike Milbury = Gamorrean Guard

He doesn't let his lack of intelligence or speaking ability get in the way of his duties. Best not to leave him in charge of anything really important, such as guarding a prisoner or running an NHL franchise.

Bib Fortuna = Mike Emrick

Spends most of his time avoiding criticism of the boss-man. Is anyone else distracted by the shape of his head?

Chewbacca = Hal Gill

Raaaawwwrrrrr!!!

Lando Calrissian = Bill Guerin

Bet you forgot this guy was alive, didn't ya? Instead of retiring quietly to obscurity, he's back for one last shot at redemption.

Boba Fett = Marian Hossa

The bounty hunter knows no allegiances.

Obi Wan Kenobi = Mario Lemieux

A legend in his own time, he now gazes from above and offers quiet words of wisdom to his protegee'.

R2-D2 = Chris Osgood

Somehow, you have a faint inkling that the story is really not about the Golden Boy at all, but about this little spare part who always seems to show up at the right moment and save the superstars' asses.

Darth Maul = Johan Franzen

As if the Empire needed this guy on top of everything else they've got going for them. It's not even fair.

The NBC broadcast team interviews Gary Bettman.

Porkins = Eric Godard

You knew as soon as you saw this guy that he wouldn't be around for long.

Showdown: Balsillie vs. Bettman

By now you've likely heard the news already: Coyotes owner Jerry Moyes unexpectedly filed for Chapter 11 bankrupty yesterday, and was even more unexpectedly offered $212.5 million US by Canadian entrepreneur Jim Balsillie on the condition that the franchise be moved to southern Ontario.

What we're witnessing is the opening salvo of a power struggle that will be fought in the media and decided in the courts. The real conflict isn't about the future of the Coyotes, who have been an unqualified failure in every respect, but about the future of the NHL and hockey in general. The combatants are the most powerful men in hockey, and each has a lot to lose.

Bettman was reportedly irate at the news of Balsillie's power play on the Phoenix franchise, and owners around the league were caught off-guard by media inquiries on the subject. Clearly, Balsillie feels that he can win this game without the support of the hockey "establishment". That might be a fatal mistake in an industry ruled by personal connections and backroom deals.

For his part, Balsillie has cast himself in the part of "populist hero" to Canadian fans, publicly setting himself against Bettman and his vision of a more American-ized league. This exposes a sharp divide in the hockey culture: those who believe in the viability of Sun Belt markets, and those who would rather see the league contract to its roots in the Northeast and Canada.

In the process of resolving the fate of the Coyotes franchise, we might see these tensions begin to pull at the fabric of the league. Bettman has close alliances throughout the league's power structure, and will play all of his cards if necessary to get rid of the relocation threat. Balsillie has clearly cultivated a partnership with Moyes, and is already courting other owners to back his acquisition.

More importantly, Balsillie is extending his campaign to the fans and media -- and if there's anyone who understands the power of new media, it's a Blackberry entrepreneur. His viral campaign uses phrases like: "We want those Canadian voices... to be heard throughout the North American NHL market". The euphemistic reference to a Canadian/American divide is obvious.

The coming weeks could be a time of momentous change for the NHL. If Bettman repels Balsillie, it's unlikely that another franchise owner would consider becoming the next Moyes. If Balsillie is able to force a sale and relocation through in spite of Bettman's opposition, it will likely signal a tidal change in the culture and operation of the league.

In the end, the hockey world isn't big enough for both of these men, or the conflicting ideas that they represent.