Our Crazy Division (aka, WTF happened while I was gone???)

Free-agent frenzies are always a spectacle, but my experience of the past week has been truly surreal.


Six days ago, my wife and I left the Port of New Orleans to celebrate our 10th anniversary with a Carribbean cruise. During our time abroad, I had literally no connection to the outside world -- cell coverage was nonexistent, internet was outrageously expensive, and sitting around watching TV was out of the question.


Yesterday we arrived back in port. With dry land came a cell signal, and the first opportunity to read through five bizarre days of Northeast Division mayhem. I was taken aback by what I saw:

Mike Komisarek is a Maple Leaf. What the.... really??? How do things like this happen? I don't know who has the bigger balls, Komisarek for signing a contract with the Leafs or Brian Burke for offering it. This will of course make the Leafs a little better and give Komisarek some welcome relief from being over his head as a top-pairing defenseman. But more importantly, the Boston/Montreal/Toronto drama just got bumped up another notch.

Better get used to it, Mike.

Alex Kovalev is a Sen. A signing so bad I want to laugh and cringe at the same time. The Sens have chemistry problems, depth problems, locker room problems and a star winger holding out and refusing trades at the same time. So what do they do? Acquire a coach-killing prima donna who's notorious for his inconsistency. Yeah, that really helps. And from Kovalev's point of view... why??? So he can be mocked in the twilight of his career? Yeesh.

Scott Gomez, Mike Cammalleri, Brian Gionta, Jaro Spacek and Hal Gill are Canadiens, but Saku Koivu is not. Bob Gainey must be on the clock to produce a winning team; there is no other explanation for this McRebuild. The Habs add a little bit of character to replace the disgraceful "leadership" of last season, but at what cost? With the exception of Cammalleri, this is a list of guys who were supposed to be stars by now and have become second-liners instead. Gomez is a coach killer and Gill is a pylon. This experiment will not last long.



Colton Orr is a Leaf. Go ahead and open Youtube in your browser the next time the Leafs and Bruins play. That way, you'll be the first on the scene for the Lucic/Orr footage.



Steve Montador is a Sabre. Good riddance, ya bum. Buffalo is going to rue the day they let Spacek go and signed this turnover machine.



Steve Begin is a Bruin. I'm trying to get excited about this, but really... it's a dumb signing. Presumably this means Stephane Yelle will not be returning, which is a shame because he's better than Begin. It also means the Bruins have made their logjam at the center position even more complicated, while ignoring the wings again.

Um, ok... I guess we needed this guy for some reason. Maybe.

Nik Antropov is a Thrasher. Good for him. Antropov is one of those pseudo-stars who will thrive with low expectations and good linemates. He's a legit top-6, and the Thrashers need as many as they can get.


Chris Higgins is a Ranger. They found the cash to sign Mathieu Darche, but couldn't keep a heart-and-soul guy like Higgins?


Martin St. Pierre is a Sen, Jeremy Reich is an Isle, and Shane Hnidy is a Wild. Three signings that will affect your fantasy pool in no way whatsoever.



So where does the dust settle?

Toronto is trending up.
Ottawa is trending down.
Buffalo is trending down.
Montreal is holding even for now, but will be down in the long run.
Boston is holding even.

Practice?!? We're talking about *practice*?!?

Over the past couple of years I've given the Habs a lot of grief for lacking heart and passion. A lot of it has to do with typical rival-baiting and trash-talking, especially since the Bruins have traditionally contrasted themselves with Montreal in terms of grit, toughness and attitude. In fact, I'm willing to put aside my bias and admit that from time to time the Habs have actually acquired a player or two who has a faint sparkle of personal character.

So I'm not really sure how to react to this:

The day before the Montreal Canadiens face elimination in Game 4 of their opening round playoff series with the Bruins, coach Bob Gainey decided to make today's practice optional. The Habs played hard for most of last night's game and some players probably legitimately needed a breather today, but to have 8 players show up for practice the day before you face elimination to me shows that this team just doesn't care. -- Stanley Cup of Chowder

The Bruins fan in me is already committing this paragraph to memory, so I can recall it in a drunken argument 5 years from now as evidence that the Habs are really just whiny losers.

But the hockey fan in me sees this as just plain sad. 8 players? Really? 8 players show up to possibly the last practice of their season?

This is not just a red flag, it's a crimson banner stretching all the way from Rue de la Montagne to 2313 St. Catherine St. It's a slap in the face to Bob Gainey and the faith he has put into his players, and it's an indictment of players like Kovalev and Koivu who were expected to be the leaders of a great Canadien era.

And ultimately it reflects poorly on Gainey, who constructed this team to make a Cup run and called an optional practice before a must-win home game.

It's also worth wondering whether the Habs' conditioning program has something to do with their numerous untimately injuries and their long-standing problem of losing steam at the end of playoff games.

There is no love lost for the Habs on this blog, but my sympathies go out to their fans for having to endure this sort of pathetic, un-Canadien behavior.

The 10 Worst Plays Of The Past 10 Years

Sometimes your team makes a play that transcends badness and breaches the realm of comedy. We've seen some real doozies this year -- Scott Hartnell's glove throw, Ryan O'Byrne's own-goal, Barry Melrose's coaching career. It got me thinking, and we all know what happens when I start thinking: a top-10 list.

10) Wideman shootout topple



I hate to throw Wides under the bus, but this was ridiculous. This is funnier than 90% of prime-time network sitcoms.

9) Toskala 175' goal



It's a minor miracle Toskala's reputation recovered (sort of) after this one; Dan Cloutier wasn't so lucky. To the best of my knowledge this is the longest goal in NHL history against a guarded net. The only reason it isn't higher on the list is because the puck did bounce a little on the way to the net, which can be challenging for a world-class goaltender. Especially when he has several seconds of advance warning to prepare himself.

8) Conklin's Finals nightmare



This one is exceptional because of its magnitude. The last minute of a tied Finals game is no time for tomfoolery behind the net. Conklin should have consulted Grant Fuhr re: staying the hell in the net during the playoffs.

7) O'Byrne shoots and scores



There were a lot of own-goals in consideration for this list, but most did not qualify for reasons of compassion. Everyone makes mistakes occasionally. For every 1,000 bouncing pucks in front of the net, one might be accidentally knocked in by a defenseman. For every 1,000 passes during a delayed penalty, one will squirt away and go dead-on into the empty net. It's understandable. But what distinguishes O'Byrne's play was that it was an intentional pass, not a mistake. It simply did not cross his mind that the goaltender might not be in a position to receive a blind pass at that very moment -- unfortunate, because Price was 40 feet away at the bench.

6) Hartnell glove throw



The inspiration behind this list. We will never know what was going through Scott Hartnell's mind at this moment. Did he think he was being clever? Did he think he was going to get away with it? Did it just smell that bad?

5) Kovalev Oscar clip



For many fans, this was the defining moment in Alexei Kovalev's career. Faking an injury is against the moral code of hockey. Faking it in the playoffs, at center ice, during an offensive rush, and floating around shaking your hand afterward, and screening your own backchecker out of the play because you're not paying attention to anything other than your own selfish need to have your boo-boo recognized, thus allowing the opponent to score, thus leading to a double-OT defeat... that's an affront to the Hockey Gods. Only the '04 Bruins could have failed to put away a team with that sort of 'leadership'.

4) Phaneuf drops the gloves, his ass



So many things went wrong on this play. First, Phaneuf manages to get leveled by the most annoying player in the Western Conference at the time. Then he misinterprets Ruutu's yapping as an overture to fight; Dion's gloves have barely touched the ice when Ruutu's butt touches the bench. Then, naturally, Phaneuf falls flat on his ass at the very moment that everyone in the hockey world is paying attention. But worst of all is the humiliation of having to pick up his gloves right in front of the Vancouver bench, one of which fell right in front of Ruutu. Imagine if Ruutu had been mike'd for THAT one. Finally, the refs really could've called him for unsportsmanlike conduct... if they wanted to really rub his nose in it.

3) Statue of Liberty



This was the precise moment when Patrick Roy's legacy began to fade. He had made a career and a legend out of his unique combination of arrogance and "money" play. So it was arresting to see him, with less than a minute to go in the first period of an elimination game against the arch-rival Wings, mindlessly waving his glove over his head as Brendan Shanahan scored the game-winner.

2) Patrik Stefan's career microcosm



Buckner. Webber. Norwood. Some players make a single mistake that overshadows an outstanding career. But Patrik Stefan didn't even have a track record to fall back on -- the biggest draft bust of the millenium also happened to play the starring role in what is arguably the worst play in the history of the sport.

"Grandad, can we watch a highlight of you back when you played in the NHL?"
"No."

1) Elisha Cuthbert



'Nuff said.

Bruins vs. Habs: Stuff to Look Out For

Not that a Boston-Montreal matchup needs any extra hype, but here are a few little plotlines to consider as we go into tonight's game:

Ryder's homecoming: Lost in all the pregame centennial hoopla will be the return of Michael Ryder to the BellForum. So far he's lived up to his hype (and contract) with 3 points in his first 2 games. More importantly Ryder has clicked with Marc Savard, as each of them has made a sweet dish to the other for a goal. There will be a lot of nerves prior to gametime, and probably a lot of heckling, but Ryder has been one of the Bruins' best players and has to show up in top form tonight.

Sobotka back in the lineup: Everybody knew that Vlad the Lesser deserved to make the big-league roster, so it might be a blessing in disguise that he was called up to replace Kobasew. Sobotka, like Kobie, adds a spark to the lineup that can jump-start the Bruins out of their mental hibernations. More importantly, I would expect him to be on the 4th line with Yelle and Thornton, meaning Milan Lucic will most likely be taking on a larger role.

[update: bruinshockeyblog reports that George Laraque will make his Habs debut tonight, and Carbonneau has stated more or less directly that the intention is to erase Lucic as a physical presence. This will be a major clash of muscle, and is pretty much guaranteed to lead to a punching contest sooner or later.]

The Habs are a bunch of pricks: They're bad enough under normal circumstances, but with a large pregame ceremony celebrating a full century of being poor winners, the Canadiens and their fans will have a little extra French in their system tonight. Look for guys like Kovalev and Lang, to whom obnoxiousness is precious fuel, to have a big game.

Sweet, sweet discipline: Though nobody will say it out loud, Andrew Alberts' tendency to jump out of position had a lot to do with his banishment to Philadelphia. The Wild had some success stretching the Boston defense and forcing them out of position, and the Habs would love to catch the Bruins playing a little pond hockey. The only way the B's win the game is by playing smart, disciplined defense... keep an eye on Matt Hunwick to cause a few skipped heartbeats.

The odds are on our side: The Bruins haven't won a game in Quebec in nearly two calendar years. Tonight will be either their 100th victory or their 200th loss in Montreal. The laws of probability favor victory for the Bruins on several fronts, though probability has never been much of a factor in this rivalry.

Other preview action:
the-jumbotron has a pre-game primer including all the French you should ever need to know.

Stanley Cup of Chowder has some fun link action and vids.

Inside the Den has a nice piece on Michael Ryder's return to Montreal.

WickedBruinsFan makes it all seem very easy to understand.

The Bear Cave has all the stats you can handle, fool.

The Big Bad Bruins is having marriage problems.

Cornelius Hardenberg teaches a life lesson at the end of the post, not unlike G.I. Joe.