This Year's Senators: The Dallas Stars

Ah, Dallas. Longtime home to some of professional sports' biggest douchebags: Michael Irvin, Ed Belfour, George W. Bush. A city that has shamelessly associated itself with both Terrell Owens and Sean Avery this autumn.

So perhaps we should not be shocked to see both the Stars and Cowboys imploding before we've even finished off the crappy hard candy that old folks give out on Halloween. Verily, the prideful shall be smited.

As they say, everything's bigger in Texas. Hats are bigger. Breast implants are bigger. And pro-sports meltdowns are a LOT bigger.

Case in point: the Dallas Stars are on the verge of a trainwreck not seen since the Great Senators Implosion of Aught-Seven. We knew something was awry when the Stars, fresh off a semi-finals appearance and stocked with new talent, muddled through a 1-5-1 preseason. Serious injuries to Sergei Zubov and Jere Lehtinen added a little fuel to that suspicion. But our spider-sense really started tingling when they dropped decisions to the likes of Columbus, Nashville, St. Louis and Colorado in the first 8 days of the regular season.

Until this week, it seemed that the Stars might be suffering from some early-season hiccups, the sort of thing that works itself out after a few tough bonding experiences on the road. Boy, were we ever wrong.

After getting steamrolled in Chicago, Avery & Co. arrived in Boston Saturday evening with all the composure of Bob Probert after a long night Vegas. Throughout the game, hardly 10 minutes of play would pass in between pugilistic sideshows, most of which precipitated from dangerous hits by Avery and henchman Steve Ott. What began as a decent contest quickly became a rout, as the Bruins reponded first physically and then with a 3-goal outburst in the final period as the Stars simply fell apart in all areas of the game.

All that is bad enough for Dallas fans, but it's what came next that really stings. First, franchise player and assistant captain Mike Modano on the team's style of play:

Tonight, it was idiotic and stupid. It was one of the most embarrassing things I've
seen. If that's what we're going for, then they need to find me an office job.

It was dumb penalties, dumb situations, that's kind of been the trend all season. There's no mental toughness. We're allowing the refs to get involved in the game with and spending more energy on them than the details of winning the game.

Then, goalie Marty Turco offers this evaluation, moments after ripping his teammates for poor defensive play (and naming names in the process, always a popular move from a guy who is near the bottom of the league in every measure of his game):

You come into a tough game and a tough building, after a night like last night, think it's all going to come out of us, get some guys out of our shell, total opposite. It's sad, it's embarrassing. There's no sugarcoating anything anymore. We're in a rut that I haven't seen in a long time. It' going to not just be a couple days that are going to get us through it.

Naturally, GM Brett Hull chips in:

I've lost my patience. These players either need to kick themselves in the ass, or they need someone else to do it for them, but it's going to happen.

Finally, coach Dave Tippett gives us a little preview of things to come:

This week, with the long break, there’s going to be lots of evaluation going on. You can take that however you want.

Yikes.

These are not the words of a team that is prepared to bounce back from a sub-.500 start. They are not the words of a team prepared to go into both Anaheim and San Jose for grudge-match divisional games later this week. And they certainly aren't what you expect to hear from a team that will finish the season without a major shakeup.

Put 'em in your death pool, folks; things are about to get ugly in Dallas. Teams stocked with douchebags like Avery, Ribeiro and Modano (and for that matter, managed by Brett Hull) will only stand for so much strain in the locker room. The only question is whether this team will make it to the New Year before the bottom falls out and Avery starts granting interviews while doing sit-ups in his driveway. In any case, it's now a matter of damage control as the Stars have clearly lost their sense of chemistry and frankly don't seem to like each other on a personal level. This isn't just a recipe for a bad season, it's a blueprint for becoming a long-term "rebuilding" project almost overnight.

And it couldn't happen to a better bunch of guys.

New York Rangers Retirement Community, Pt. 2

Last week we took a little trip down Memory Lane, recalling the Rangers' long and colorful history of taking broken-down old hacks and using them to sell a few tickets before their hips gave out. Today we'll wrap up our retrospective with a look at the Rangers' reclamation projects of the post-expansion era.

You might note that the shot-callers in New York were a little more cautious about taking huge risks during the 1980s and early 1990s, but once the money started flowing in the late '90s the discipline went out the window and next thing you knew they were swapping high-priced assets that had virtually no actual value... wait, what were we talking about?

1975-81
Phil Esposito - Little to say about Espo's days as a Ranger that New York fans haven't already kvetched about. The Bruins, sensing a decline in their franchise forward's game, traded him for Brad Park and Jean Ratelle in a league-altering deal. Though Esposito was still an elite forward -- he led the Rangers in scoring in every full season he played there -- the critics smelled blood and neither Espo nor the Rangers ever really lived the trade down.
Milestone Achieved in the Wrong Sweater: In 1979 Esposito became the second player, after Gordie Howe, to score 700 career goals.

1981-82
Bobby Hull - "Wait a minute... Bobby Hull never played for the Rangers!", you say. Not so fast... while he never played an NHL game for the Blueshirts, Hull suited up with them for 4 games as part of the super-obscure, slightly-embarrasing Dagens Nyheter Cup in 1981. This preseason tournament, named after a Stockholm newspaper and pitting NHL teams against unpronouncable Swedish clubs, was an early effort at putting roots in Northern European markets (sound familiar?). There is virtually no record of these games online -- perhaps for the best that this unfortunate attempt at a comeback is not remembered by posterity (are you listening, Petr Nedved?).

1986-89
Marcel Dionne - In a sad postscript to his career with the Kings, Dionne delivered an ultimatum to GM Rogie Vachon in 1986: either improve the quality of the team or trade Dionne to a team interested in winning. Vachon shocked the hockey world by calling Dionne's bluff, cynically trading the Kings' greatest player to the painfully mediocre Rangers. Dionne managed 30 goals the following season, but trudged through his experience in New York and finally retired in the IHL.
Milestone Achieved in the Wrong Sweater: In 1988 Dionne became the third player, after Howe and Espo, to score 700.

1988-89
Guy Lafleur - Perhaps the saddest attempt at a Rangers-style "comeback" is that of Lafleur, who was already enshrined in the Hall of Fame with an untouchable reputation when he decided to give it one last spin in 1988. Inexplicably, Lafleur left the Canadiens organization in favor of a brief stint with the Rangers, where he scored 18 goals in 67 games before suffering a knee injury. Lafleur mitigated the damage and signed with the Nordiques for the next two seasons, scoring a total of 24 goals in Quebec City before mercifully retiring for good.
Milestone Achieved in the Wrong Sweater: Played his 1000th career game as a Ranger.

1996
Jari Kurri - Though he established himself as the greatest Finn of all time in Edmonton and Los Angeles, Kurri went through a late-career "utility" phase that probably eroded his legacy to the bandwagon fans of the late 1990s. It began in 1996, when he was traded from the Kings to the Rangers in anticipation of a deep playoff run. As it turned out, the Rangers won only 5 playoff games and Kurri immediately signed a contract with a team called the Mighty Ducks (at the time this was like your prom date sneaking out the back door of the gym with Rick Moranis).

1996-99
Wayne Gretzky - Nothing says "Late 1990s NHL" like Gretzky signing with the Rangers. As part of a bizarre scheme to reunite the 1988 All-Star Team, the Rangers acquired Gretzky in an offseason signing with the aim of pairing him with Mark Messier, Luc Robitaille, and Pat Lafontaine. But the aging Gretzky no longer dominated, scoring only 9 goals in his final 70 games with New York. Though it sold a lot of jerseys and provided a bigger stage for the career-records phase of Gretzky's career, this career move provided a sad microcosm of all that had gone wrong with the franchise and the league.
Milestones Achieved in the Wrong Sweater: Considering Gretzky owns nearly every significant career scoring record, it goes without saying that nearly all of them were accomplished as a Ranger. These include the all-time records for goals, assists, and points.

1997-98
Pat Lafontaine - Nobody likes playing hockey in New York State like Pat Lafontaine. The only player ever to spend his entire career playing for the three NY teams (the Isles, Sabres and Rangers), Lafontaine spent 67 games in the blue jersey in 1997-98. It was a strange move, considering Lafontaine's career was cut short by recurrent concussion problems, which arose from a dirty hit by the Rangers' James Patrick in the 1990 playoffs. Lafontaine clearly did not remember the incident, or he would also have remembered a crowd of Rangers fans trying to turn over his ambulance on the way to the hospital. Ironically, Lafontaine's career ended after he collided with another Ranger, this time a teammate, and was forced to retire.
Milestone Achieved in the Wrong Sweater: Lafontaine joined the 1000-point club as a Ranger.

1998-99
Esa Tikkanen - Rangers fans remember Tikkanen most fondly for his key role in their 1994 Cup run. But let's fast-forward 5 years -- after playing less than a full season each in St. Louis, New Jersey, Vancouver, then back with the Rangers, then Miami, then Washington, and then back with the Rangers again, Tikkanen found himself in the role of quintessential journeyman-refusing-to-hang-'em-up-before-it-gets-embarrassing. Considering he didn't score during his 32-game stint with the Rangers, the only imaginable upside to this signing is that he could talk trash in several languages on the subway.
Milestone Achieved in the... um, Right Jersey?: I will go out on a limb and say that no other player has ever had three separate tours of duty with the Rangers, interrupted by stints with other teams.

1999-02
Theo Fleury - One of the great hockey tragedies of the past 20 years is the career of Theo Fleury. The like-able, diminutive forward couldn't outrun his problems with substance abuse. His career took a swan dive after the turn of the century, and he found himself in the league's most tabloid-oriented market at just the wrong time. Amid chants of "Crackhead Theo" from the fans at Nassau Coliseum, Fleury struggled back up to the 30-goal plateau before simply burning out. He finished his career in Europe.
Milestone Achieved in the Wrong Jersey: Scored both his 400th goal and 1000th point, and played his 1000th game as a Ranger.

2001-03
Pavel Bure - As part of a bizarre scheme to reunite the 1998 All-Star Team, the Rangers acquired Bure in a draft-day deal with the aim of pairing him with Eric Lindros and Theo Fleury. Bure's career never really recovered, and he scored only 31 goals in two seasons for the Blueshirts before calling it quits.
Milestone Achieved in the Wrong Sweater: You realize how much potential Bure left on the table when you see that he played his 700th career game as a Ranger, two games before retiring.

2001-04
Eric Lindros - You just knew this one had to happen. Once the league's most feared player, Lindros was an empty shell by 2001 due to numerous concussions and an open feud with Flyers management. After sitting out much of a season, he finally pressured a trade to New York for a boatload of top prospects and earned nearly $10 million per season with the Rangers. Though he looked to be on the right track with 37 goals his first season in New York, his game eroded quickly and his 8th concussion sealed the deal. After building a veteran squad around aspirations of a Lindros-led juggernaut, the Rangers cut ties in 2004.
Milestone Achieved in the Wrong Sweater: Lindros scored his 800th point with the Rangers.

2005-08
Jaromir Jagr - To Jagr's credit, he waited three years before delivering on the inevitable "off-ice sideshow" routine that we all expected. He dominated early in his Rangers career, scoring 54 goals in his first season -- before dropping off sharply to goal totals of 30 and 25. By the end, we all knew what was coming... Pouty Jagr replaced Determined Jagr and next thing you knew, he was off to Europe to (presumably) finish his career. All things considered, he left his bridges relatively intact compared to his exits from Pittsburgh and Washington.
Milestone Achieved in the Wrong Sweater: Jagr scored his 600th goal with the Blueshirts, and left the team only one point short of 1600.

2006-??
Brendan Shanahan - The eminently respectable Shanahan has resurrected his career several times over, so it was no surprise to see him end up on 7th Ave. Though he's certainly lost a step as a sub-30 goal scorer, his biggest obstacle is simply whether the Rangers can afford to keep him on the roster. As of the second week of this season, Shanahan remains unsigned and rumors are beginning to swirl that he'll soon find his way across the Hudson to finish his career in the grazing meadows of Newark.
Milestone Achieved in the Wrong Sweater: Tied the record for most career re-inventions, having been a cornerstone player in no fewer than four franchises.

Future Rangers Prospects: Mats Sundin is looking for a team....

Hockey Hell: Inaugural Inductions

This week the US Hockey Hall of Fame released the names of four honorees for 2008 -- Brett Hull, Brian Leetch, Mike Richter and Cammi Granato. Better selections could not have been made; these four players represented the best of USA Hockey over the past two decades, both individually and as key players on Olympic and World Cup teams.

There could be no better time than this to announce the inaugural Hockey Hell Class of 2008. The purpose of Hockey Hell is to recognize those players whose are the true villains of the game. In hockey there’s a code of honor that transcends the rulebook, and fortunately the vast majority of players respect that code… those who don’t are sent to Hockey Hell. Qualification is based upon dirtiness, notoriety, famous cheap shots, “pest” factor, and my own personal disdain.

Without further ado, I introduce the 1st Line of players to be inducted into Hockey Hell:

C - Sean Avery
No player in the "New NHL" could be considered a better candidate for Hell membership than Sean Avery. In fact, he might be the most despicable athlete currently competing in ANY sport. From his lame on-ice antics to his un-hockeylike addiction to the tabloid limelight, he has a well-earned reputation as a first-class douchebag. If there was a trophy that was the opposite of the Lady Byng, it would be the Lady Avery.

Accomplishments:
- Though Avery played half a season with the '02 Wings, they decided to leave his name off the Cup.
- In 2002, the Kings traded star defenseman Matheiu Schneider to the Red Wings for Avery, Maxim Kuznetsov, and two draft picks (the better of which produced Jeff Tambellini, who at age 24 is looking like a first-round bust). Avery did his part to ensure that the Los Angeles franchise remained firmly at the bottom of the NHL toilet bowl while handing the Wings a star player they didn't even need.
- During the lockout, Avery played for the Motor City Mechanics alongside fellow power-tools Chris Chelios and Derian Hatcher. Sadly, Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller chose not to make a movie lampooning this nightmare of a franchise.
- In a sign of douchebag solidarity, Avery rushed to Jeremy Roenick's defense during the 2005 preseason by stating that "French guys" wearing visors were "running around and playing tough and not backing anything up." Avery later appeared in a movie, as a Ranger no less, making anti-francophone comments toward Maurice Richard.
- Following on the aforementioned incident, Avery was accused of calling Georges Laraque a "monkey".
- Less than a month later Avery was fined by the league for perhaps the most comical attempt at diving I have ever seen. At this point Hockey Hell preliminary screening forms began to arrive in his mailbox.
- Avery was kicked off the Kings. Yes, kicked off the KINGS.
- As a Ranger, he was overwhelmingly voted the "most hated" player in the league.
- The league needed to amend a rule in the middle of the playoffs just to keep his childish antics in check.
- Astonishingly, Avery has claimed that he wishes to be a fashion editor (!!!) after retiring from hockey. He has cultivated a jetset personality which has seen him grace the pages of "People" and "Vogue".
- He has been dumped by Rachel Hunter and Elisha Cuthbert, in both cases after they realized that he was not Mark Messier.
- He is now a member of the Dallas Stars.
- His headshot photo sums it all up. (someone help me out with a link)

LW - Chris Simon
Crossing the line from "pest" to "psychopath" is an easy thing to do, especially when you're a 6'3" Indian with a history of alcoholism. Chris Simon is a classic case of boom-or-bust, having nearly transcended into legitimacy with a 29-goal campaign during the height of Dead Puck. But a series of ugly infractions cost Simon the gains he had made, both in terms of professional advancement and in fan sympathy.

Accomplishments:
- Played in 7 different cities.
- Before ever playing a game, was involved in the Ultimate Asswipe Trade along with Eric Lindros, Peter Forsberg, Ron Hextall and Mike Ricci.
- Dropped the N-word on Mike Grier... granted, in retaliation to a taunt about his Native American heritage.
- Suspended for nearly an entire season's worth of games, in 8 different incidents.
- Suspended 25 games for intentionally slashing Ryan Hollweg in the face.
- Suspended 30 games for slew-footing and then stepping on the leg of fellow douchebag Jarkko Ruutu.
- Will finish his career playing in Russia, having left the NHL in total disgrace.

RW - Claude Lemieux
Perhaps the most despised player in the history of the game, the Lesser Lemieux pushed the boundaries of dirty hockey. Only the rare athlete -- a Pete Rose or Bill Romanowski -- combines unsportsmanlike conduct with a high level of play as well as Claude the Fraud. In a sense, he is like a Bizarro Mario.

Accomplishments:

- Players in his draft class (1983) included Bob Probert, Esa Tikkanen, Mark Messier, and Stu Grimson.
- By far the most skilled forward in his Hockey Hell class, Lemieux finished his career with 4 Stanley Cups, a Conn Smythe trophy, and the #8 ranking in all-time playoff goals. The fact that he was a forgettable player in the regular season suggests he was going slightly less than 100% prior to the month of May.
- Helped the Canadiens to their first Cup in the post-WHA era, eliminating four teams (Bruins, Whalers, Rangers, Flames) who had more-deserving fanbases. During the Finals he bit Calgary's Jim Peplinski on the finger.
- Was traded to the Devils (!) for Sylvain Turgeon, who scored 14 goals in two seasons with the Habs.
- Once asked Eric Desjardins if the "C" on his sweater stood for "selfish".
- Was perhaps the most central figure in the seminal Avs/Wings clashes of the late 1990s, playing a very clear "villain" role in a monumental clash between class and douchebaggery.
- During a 1995 Finals game, concussed Vyacheslav Kozlov with a sucker-punch to the side of the head. Days later, he laid out one of the biggest cheapshots of the 1990s with a hit from behind on Kris Draper that required plastic surgery to make Mark Hamill cringe. This was the trigger that led to the greatest Dino Ciccarelli quote of all time: "I can't believe I shook his friggin' hand". When Dino's appalled at your lack of class, you're really scraping rock bottom.
- Was a member of the Douchebag Dream Team (aka the 1996 Colorado Avalanche) along with Patrick Roy, Peter Forsberg, Adam Foote, Chris Simon, Mike Ricci, Mike Keane, and Marc Crawford.
- Anyone bothering to read this blog already knows about the Turtle incident. It pretty much speaks for itself.
- An ill-advised appearance on the TV show "Pros vs. Joes" led to Lemieux hooking and flagrantly high-sticking an amateur during a one-on-one drill.
- Without question the most evil-looking player in NHL history.

Next week: Defensemen and a goalie in the Inaugural Class.